The Twilight Parodies: Deleted Scenes
by Velvet Liquor
Summary: Did you laugh at Velvet Liquor's Twilight parodies? Well, for the first time ever, we've got deleted scenes too shocking, gut-wrenching, and mind-bogglingly random and ridiculous to put in one parody!
1. Sparkly Necrophilia

**Hello, Scrum here! After working on the Breaking Dawn parody for so long, I've decided that the first two parodies weren't funny enough, which is why I've added deleted scenes, and commentary at that! Now, onto the deleted scenes!**

(In the meadow)

Bella: Oh, Edward! It's positively _beautiful!_

Edward: I know I am.

Bella: What?

Edward: Oh, I, uh, mean that…yeah, it's pretty damn spiffy, huh?

Bella: "Spiffy" doesn't even _begin_ to describe it! We need a much more special word…

Edward: How about Edwardtastic?

Bella: But…that's not even a real word… (Insert confused state of mind)

Edward: (Grabs hold of Bella's chin, and pulls her face upward, so her eyes are looking into his) Yes, yes it is, Bella. There is such a word as "Edwardtastic." Yes, that's right, gaze into my smoldering, glittering, amber, seductive orbs. Now, Bella, what is this meadow?

Bella: (Zombified state) Oh…Edward…this…meadow…is…simply…Edwardtastic… (Snaps out of it) Oh, Edward! This meadow is simply Edwardtastic!

Edward: (Crooked smile)

(Clouds move away from the sun)

Edward: (Starts rubbing body glitter that's randomly falling from the sky all over his body in a seductive manner, while "Shakira" is playing in the background) Oh, baby…oh, Bella…DO I DAZZLE YOU?

Bella: (Swoon)

**XD**

**Edward+Shakira+Body glitter offers many LULZ, and sigh-worthy images for the raving fan girls.**

**You see, I'm quite certain that the only way Edward got away with half the crap he pulled was because he could hypnotize Bella with those "smoldering, glittering, amber, seductive orbs" of his. How **_**else**_** do you think he got her to commit necrophilia? Stay tuned for more deleted scenes!**


	2. Aro's Scrumptious Succubus Sanctuary

**Yay! Another deleted scene! This one's from New Moon!**

(Volturi lair)

Aro: (Is in an empty room, but looks around anyways) Phew! I thought Marcus and Caius would _never _leave me alone! Now, to my _sanctuary_…

(Aro walks over to a closet, opens the door, enters, and closes the door behind him. He then pulls on a drawstring, which forces a large, red, velvet curtain to sweep to the side, only to reveal an entire shrine dedicated to Carlisle)

Aro: (Grabs a lock of Carlisle's hair from out of his pocket, and tapes it to a mannequin's head, which has a large picture of Carlisle's face taped to its head as well) At long last, my three-century-old obsession is complete! Oh, how I have longed for my shrine to my beloved Carlisle to be complete! (Purrs to the mannequin) Isn't that right?

(Suddenly, someone bangs on the closet door)

Caius: Hey, Aro, you in there? (Angst, angst, angst)

Aro: Yes, but-but I'm sort of busy in here…

Caius: Doing what? (Angst, angst, angst)

Aro: (Tries to think of reasonable explanation) Um…masturbating?

Caius: Uh, don't you have Sulpicia to do that _for_ you? (Angst, angst, angst)

Aro: I grow tired of her.

Caius: I know _exactly _how you feel! I swear, sometime Athenodora gets _so _irritating! (Angst, angst, angst)

Aro: Ok, then, run along now! I have to finish! (Nervous laughter)

Caius: Right. (Angst, angst, angst)

(Caius leaves)

Aro: Now, then, where were we? Oh, yes… (Dances seductively in front of "Carlisle" to the tune of "Hips Don't Lie." Starts making out with 'Carlisle") Oh, Carlisle, how I _love_ you! Sulpicia doesn't have to know, you know, and neither does Esme. We can be together forever, just the two of us, my darling.

(Suddenly, the door bangs open, only to reveal Marcus walking into the closet, an issue of "Bite'n Babes" in his hands)

Marcus: (Yawns) Oh, if only Didyme was still alive, that way I wouldn't have to do this _myself_. (Halts, when he spots Aro dry-humping "Carlisle")

Aro: No! M-Marcus! I-I can explain!

Marcus: (Disgusted expression) No! Do _NOT _elaborate! I've not the slightest desire to know _what _you've been doing in here for the past three hours!

Aro: Well, actually, I've only just began…

Marcus: Stop! I can't hear you! Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!

Aro: (Pulls out random jar of marshmallow fluff) Want some?

Marcus: (Horrified expression) Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! (Runs out of closet)

Aro: Geesh, what's _his_ problem?! Who the hell doesn't like marshmallow fluff?! (Eats spoonful) I mean, it's positively a spoonful of heaven! (Looks at the jar, then at "Carlisle") Hmmmmmm…

(The door bangs open (Yet again), and Sulpicia enters the closet, only to see Aro on top of a marshmallow fluff-covered "Carlisle")

Sulpicia: Aro?!

Aro: Sulpicia?!

Sulpicia: What-what are you doing?!

Aro: What's it look like, woman?! I'm making love to my marshmallow fluff-lathered hoe!

Sulpicia: But-but Aro! I _love_ you! (Whine)

Aro: Oh, why don't you just go fuck yourself?!

Sulpicia: Fine, I _will_! (Storms off)

Aro: Now, where were we, my sweet? Oh, yes…(Proceeds to lick fluff off of "Carlisle's" man-titties)

(Meanwhile, in Aro and Sulpicia's bedchamber)

Sulpicia: (Reading a diagram) How to fuck yourself…insert rod A into slot B…oh, shit, this is gonna hurt…

**Poor Aro, just can't seem to get any alone time with his man. XD**

**Normally, I might feel sorry for Sulpicia, but, seeing as how she doesn't even _speak _in any of the books, I'm sort of feeling a little apathetic. I do, however, feel sorry for Marcus. I think Aro may have just scarred the poor boy for life.**


	3. I'm Watching You From Your Window

**Yay! Another deleted scene! Just another little tidbit from Twilight that I should have put in the original parody, but didn't, because I'm lazy. Anyway, I hope you like it! AND DON'T FORGET TO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

(Bella's bedroom)

Bella: (Muttering in her sleep) Oh, Edward…I love you. I really do. Even though I only met you yesterday, I'm absolutely positive that you and I are meant to be soul mates. So long as you love pudding…

Edward: (Watching Bella from her bedroom window) Oh, Bella, I love you too! And I _do_ love pudding! (Gasp) We _are _soul mates…

Bella: I-I know what you are…

Edward: Say what?

Bella: And I'm afraid, Edward…

Edward: No, Bella! Don't be afraid! Sure, I could always succumb to the fierce craving I feel for your blood, and clamp down on your neck, sucking you dry, until your life slowly fades away, but honestly, how many people can say that's happened to them?

Bella: Oh, Edward…

Edward: "Oh, Edward?" Hmmmm…that could mean a variety of things…

Bella: I know what you are!

Edward: (Breathing hard)

Bella: I-I know…I know what you are…

Edward: (Whispering) Say it…

Bella: VAMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edward: Jesus, I said _say _it, not fucking _scream _it!

Charlie: (barges into Bella's room, cocking his rifle) What the hell's going on in here?!

Bella: (Wakes up) Dad! I had a nightmare! A vampire was attacking me!

Charlie: It's ok, sweetie! What happened? (Puts arm around Bella's shoulders)

Bella: Well, this vampire…he dragged me into the middle of a meadow…and, and the sun moved away from the clouds…and he SPARKLED!

Charlie: (Removes his arm from around Bella's shoulders) Wait. You woke me up from a wet t-shirt dream with Pamela Anderson for a fucking glittery vampire?

Bella: Well, yeah…but he was _really _scary, Dad!

Charlie: (Smacks Bella with the rifle, then shoots her in the leg) Thanks a lot, you fucking bitch! (Storms out of the room)

Bella: Ow…… (Catches a glimpse of Edward breathing on her window) LE GASP! EDWARD CULLEN IS STANDING OUTSIDE MY ROOM! WATCHING ME IN MY UNDERGARMENTS! WHICH ISN'T CREEPY OR STALKERISH AT ALL! (Limps over to the window)

Edward: (Removes binoculars from his eyes) Oh, shit. I've been spotted. (Runs off)

Bella: (Opens the window) EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COME BACK! I LOVE YOU, YOU MARBLED SLAB OF PURE SEXYNESS! (Glances at the window, and realizes that Edward's breath is slowly evaporating) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Starts licking the window, attempting to save Edward's "precious" breath, by allowing it to live inside her)

FIN


End file.
